I would like to prove to you that you have a mental illness.
Then I will offer to sell you the cure for your mental illness.
I charge a one-time flat-fee of $1,000 to cure you of your mental illness.
I make this guarantee:
My cure for your mental illness will produce
the most profound, beneficial, massive, and lasting
personal transformation of your entire life,
or I will DOUBLE your money back.
You will experience a greater level of
joy, happiness, gratitude, and
personal productivity
than you have ever experienced
in your entire life.
If you are not absolutely delighted
at the results of my cure for
your mental illness
I will DOUBLE your money back.
We will diagnose your mental illness for no charge. Once you see the diagnosis, you may not even need to purchase our cure. You can probably cure yourself. Go for it.
But people who purchase our cure become a part of a community of support that many find invaluable.
In any case, once you receive your free personalized diagnosis, let us know if you want to purchase our cure. If you can't afford it, we'll send it to you free of charge. If you CAN afford it, but don't trust us -- even though we offer a DOUBLE your money back guarantee -- we'll send you the cure for your mental illness without charge.
Deep down, I knew it was wrong to take other people's stuff, and I knew it was wrong to inflict physical or mental pain on others, but I did it anyway.
You probably do too.
I took people's stuff because I wanted more stuff for myself. If they resisted, I did not hesitate to inflict pain on them.
I was part of an organized criminal enterprise that stole millions of dollars worth of stuff every year, and physically crippled thousands of people when they resisted. Made some of them homeless. Even killed them. I was among the richest 1% of the all people on planet earth. I felt good about myself.
You probably do too.
I should probably tell you that I am not a licensed psychiatrist. I am not a licensed anything. I think I took a psychology class in college, but I thought it was worthless. Charging you money to cure you of your mental illness is probably illegal. It might even be illegal for YOU to make a tax-deductible donation to an organization that cures people of your mental illness without a license. I could find this out for sure by going to a law library and doing some research, but I don't want to waste my time. I'd rather just cure you of your mental illness. I don't even need to hire a lawyer to do this legal research, because I studied law and passed the California Bar Exam, but was denied a license to practice law because I claimed that I cured myself of my own mental illness. I'll send you details of my case, which I appealed all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court (and lost), but I want you first to promise me that you won't report me to the authorities for practicing psychiatry without a license. I want you first to promise me that you won't try to shut down my business, and completely mess up my life, because my business is part of my own cure. I want you to promise that you won't ask the authorities to fine me thousands of dollars for practicing psychiatry without a license. Promise me that if I refuse to pay the fine, you won't ask the authorities to send out armed marshals to break down my door, shoot my dog, taze me, handcuff me, throw me into the meat wagon, and lock me in a cage with a psychopath who will sodomize me repeatedly. Promise me that you won't ask the authorities to kill me if I resist their efforts to steal my property and deprive me of my liberty.
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